Compatibility
As soon as people are introduced to the Enneagram, and they get a taste of how strikingly accurate their Type description is in bearing their souls, they come up with another question: What Type am I most compatible with?
Specifically they are asking about romantic pairings, but broadly they are also asking about friendships, co-workers and family.
There is some good news and some bad news regarding this complicated question.
The good news is, as long as both individuals are operating from the healthy levels of their Ennea-Type, which are clearly defined by several Ennea-giants, including Riso and Hudson, all shall be well in relationship interactions.
The bad news is, without putting in consistent and intentional work, none of us are operating from the healthy levels of our Type. The majority of the population is operating from the average levels. This is not a great place to be as all ego-emotional programs are still running the show and causing us to live on autopilot in the average stages.
And it could be worse. Under stress we deteriorate more. People who have unprocessed trauma or who have done little to no work are likely to be operating in the lower levels, which are unhealthy, chaotic and extremely difficult to work with due to their habitual (often self-imposed) loops of pain and suffering.
So, what do we do with this reality?
The first, best and most obvious answer often used by our 12-Step friends is: Keep your side of the street clean!
We cannot change anyone but ourselves. Unless we are regularly operating at the highest levels of health in our Type, we really have no ground to stand on in accusing others. The best critique of unhealthy living is the practice of better, conscious living. Since all of your relationships have one common denominator (you), that is a surefire way to improve all of them, do your work well, consistently and gracefully.
When it comes to others, we cannot change them. We may offer our treasure trove of personality, the Enneagram, but the work is theirs to do and they may not be ready for it.
Living with grace and space for others and where they are on their journey is a mark of a healthy person of any Type. We don’t try to control, change or manipulate them. We simply let it be. This is serenity. Sometimes, serendipitously, they may see our progress and feel inspired and invited to look into their own growth paths. And if not, that’s okay too.
There’s More
Beyond that response, there is more to know about compatibility of Types. This information is provided by the various Triads within the Enneagram Typology and can be hugely helpful in understanding one another in relationships.
The most basic Triad grouping, and the one a new Enneagram student usually learns first, is the Intelligence centers. I have other posts about these and recommend them as a primary way of understanding how our interpretation of the world differs based on that. Discerning if someone is primarily driven by anger, sadness or fear is critical to loving them well.
Beyond Intelligence Centers, there are other similarities grouped in threes that are helpful to know in regards to relationships. Though there are several other Triads we could discuss, let’s briefly cover Conflict Coping, which refers to how each Type reacts when things aren’t going their way.
Conflict Response
The Conflict Coping Triad suggests that there are three general ways we react when things aren’t peachy. Based on your Enneagram number, one of these ways is probably used by you far more than the other two. However, since you are human, and since we are complicated and dynamic, you can also understand the other two responses. Naming them and recognizing them is key here because once you catch yourself in the pattern, it disarms it. Light shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot overcome it. Once you see, you can’t unsee and that is progress.
When we encounter problems, here are three (sub-conscious until now) reactions.
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Types 2, 7 & 9 look at the bright side. These Types are always finding the silver-lining. This is an automatic shift that they make within seconds of hearing bad news. They each have their own (sub-conscious) reasons for being optimistic, but the outward result is the same. A cheery response and maybe even a smile will surface, even in dire straits.
Types 1,3 & 5 objectively seek a logical solution. These Types immediately (sub-consciously) set their emotions aside and look for the most practical way to resolve the issue at hand. They are trying to be constructive and part of the solution. Their focus narrows to fixing the problem and disregards emotional interruptions and drama.
Types 4, 6 & 8 have an outward emotional reaction. These Types don’t trust others easily, each for their own (sub-conscious) reasons. So, if they have bad news that upsets them, they can dramatically erupt with sadness, fear or anger. They are testing those around them. They not only want others to know how much they are affected, they also want to see if the others will respond in like manner. If not, it may be an indication that they are being betrayed or the others don’t care.
The Path
To be clear, none of these responses are good or bad in themselves when used with intention. There are times to be optimistic, constructive and emotional. And there are times to adjust our knee-jerk reactions to be appropriate to the situation. We all know this.
You can see how problems could arise when someone who is of the logical group responds with a poker face to someone who is having an emotional response to divorce. Or when an outburst of sadness is met with a cheerful quip. Or when a logical type is barraged with optimistic rainbows and butterflies and all they want is a realistic solution.
Miscommunication is bound to happen. You can see how a cheery response may not be well received in grief. Big emotional reactions are not appropriate when you spill your drink. When someone is hurting deeply, they aren’t lacking a logical solution.
The path towards growth for each of us is to observe how we automatically react and then shift into a pause and appropriate response the next time a conflict arises.
Hint: to do this, you may need to learn to meditate!
For compatibility, it doesn’t matter if you and your partner are of different conflict Types as much as it matters that you are aware of how they view the situation and what may not be helpful for them.
Additionally, don’t be offended if someone responds in a way that isn’t constructive for you, appreciate they most likely are trying to be helpful, their way is just different.
Or, consider if you and your partner are of the same Type. If that’s the case, stay alert for unrealistic optimism that avoids actual problems, robotic problem solving that dehumanizes or explosive outbursts that leave everyone feeling unsupported.
This stuff is complicated, but it is so worth it.
There are other Triads within the Enneagram that are just as helpful to grasp. Properly appreciating those you love includes recognizing how their view of the world is unlike yours.
Pause and Pivot
Jessica
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